Mark S. Cookman
20 Lines of Bad Guy Trash-Talk for RPG Fights
There are numerous elements that go into creating a memorable RPG fight. One of the best ways to get players more engaged in a fight is to use trash-talk. Trash-talk has been used by fighters and athletes for generations, both to build themselves up and to tear their enemies down. Sure, it's always fun to kill the bad guys and take their treasure, but it's even better to beat down a trash-talking bully and take their stuff. The victory is more personal and sweeter somehow when you not only take the enemy's gold and items, but also shut their filty mouth. Here is a small sampling of some smack that your NPC's could dish out, but I encourage you to look through this list and develop your own -- the more personal, the better. Think about it. Which are you more likely to remember? A fight against a generic bunch of orcs -or- how you killed that orc who talked trash about your sister? Below are twenty pieces of trash-talk for your NPC's to use to get the best out of your PC's. Enjoy.
You know how every now and then you run across somebody that you shouldn't have f'ed with? Well that's me and after I strip you, I'm going to leave your cold, naked bodies to the rats and bugs.
Are we really gonna fight or are we just gonna stroke each other like lovers all night long?
You fools have come here thinking you have all the answers, but I'm gonna change the question. Where do you want to be buried?
Ooh! Did that hurt, sweetie? Are you gonna be OK or are you gonna cry now? We might need to take a break; I think I hurt this little one over here and he's gonna cry.
I'm the head of the Family; the big cheese. You do what I say and it's straight to the top! You go your own way, and I'll bury you in slop. Last chance to make a wise decision.
Why did you come here? Did you not come to see Perfection Incarnate? Well here I am in all of my glory. You may now bow down and worship me, I will allow it.
Clueless, manipulated, little worms, you have no idea of my true power. Behold your final destruction and know ultimate despair. Your journey ends here.
Do you imagine, in your puny brains, that I am frightened of you? Do you believe that someone who dresses as well as I do could ever possibly be scared of you ragamuffins? I'm far more afraid of what this might do to my nails, than I am of anything you can do.
What?!? Is that all you've got, Daffodil? Ooooo, this is gonna be over too quick. You really shoulda brought more guys.
I am ripper, mangler, smasher, gouger, destroyer. I am the fangs of the darkness, the talons of night itself. Mine is power. . .and destruction . . . and victory over all. I am VILLAIN'S NAME!
Are you actually going to do something to me or are you just going to stand there and bleed?
If you can make glue out of nag horses, then we'll surely be able to make something out of your dead bodies.
You are sure this is how you want to play this? You know that this can only end with me cutting you into little pieces and feeding you to my pets, right? Let's just sit down and work out a more reasonable ending for you.
I'm glad that you brought the fight to me; it saves time. It will make it so much easier to re-equip my minions. BTW, Is that ring magical? Does it do anything interesting? How about your boots; are they magical?
Have you come to apologize for daring to venture into my realm? Have you come to beg for your pitiful lives because you are lost in the darkness and you know your death is imminent? Throw yourselves upon your faces and beg, I may yet be merciful.
I have wrestled with an alligator and tussled with a whale; smacked down lightning and thrown thunder in jail. Only last week I murdered a roc, injured a stone giant, hospitalized a dozen grick; why I'm so mean I make healing potions sick. Why have you come? Do you want to die? Why do you want to make your mothers cry? There's still time for you to run. Now fly!
It's nothing personal, mind you, it's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly; waves pound the sand. I kill people. I rather admire you, though; do you have any requests for your remains?
I used to F little guys like you when I was in prison. Maybe the boss will let me keep a pet.
Oh CHARACTER NAME, I spoke to your mother last evening whilst giving her the rogering of a lifetime. She's quite concerned about you and wishes that you would visit more often. DO be a good little offspring and run home now. Give your mother my regards when you get there.
Don't cry. MONSTER NAME hates it when scared little adventurers cry and wet themselves. You take a moment to compose yourself, pull up your big girl panties, and come back at me when you are really ready.